By Dr. Femke E. Bakker
Step 3 of the core practice of Selfgentleness: Tuning In
Tuning In is the foundational practice of Selfgentleness, because it helps you to start shifting your perspective. When you tune in, you notice what you do not want. You begin to sense what you do want. You become sensitive to what it is you truly need. In Step 2, we practiced acknowledging those needs without pushing them away. Now comes Step 3: honoring them.
This is the part where many of us stumble. You realize you are tired, but there is work waiting. You long for rest, but guilt appears because friends expect you at dinner. You want something different from your job, but the bills still need to be paid. Honoring your needs is where awareness meets choice, and where selfgentleness starts to change your life.
What Honoring Your Needs Means
Honoring your needs does not always mean fulfilling them right away. It begins with asking yourself a simple question: Can I give this to myself right now?
Sometimes the answer is yes. You tune in one morning and notice how exhausted you feel. If the calendar is open, you can go back to sleep, or take a nap, or simply sit quietly with tea. In those moments, honoring your needs is straightforward.
But often life is not that simple. Responsibilities and obligations are real. You cannot just walk away from your children, your work, or your commitments. That is where honoring becomes more nuanced. You look for what you can do. If you cannot go back to bed, maybe you take five minutes to meditate, or you add an extra cup of tea before you start the day. If you cannot rest now, you promise yourself you will go to bed early, or take a long walk at lunch.
Honoring is allowing yourself to receive what you need. If you cannot do it fully in this moment, you take a small step now and make a clear promise to yourself for later. The promise itself matters. It reassures you that your needs are taken seriously.
Why It Feels Hard
The moment you try to honor your needs, the ‘buts’ return. But I do not have time. But they will be disappointed. But I should push through.
This struggle comes from conditioning. You learned to place others first. You built a life around responsibility and expectations. Shifting toward selfgentleness means shifting perspective. Instead of asking, What do others need from me right now? you ask, What do I need, and how can I honor that?
At first, this feels like friction. You may feel guilty. You may fear disappointing people. You may even doubt yourself, wondering if your needs are valid. That is part of the process. Each small act of honoring helps you detach from old beliefs and build a new one: that you matter too.
How to Practice Honoring Your Needs
Honoring is not about getting it perfect. It is about moving closer to yourself, step by step.
- Ask the question. Can I give this to myself right now? If yes, do it. If no, keep going.
- Find a small gesture. Even a few minutes of quiet or a cup of tea can soften the gap between need and reality.
- Make a promise. Tell yourself, I will take this seriously. I cannot give it now, but I will create space later today or tomorrow.
- Keep your word. Following through, even on small promises, builds trust in yourself. You become someone you can rely on.
- Stay gentle. If honoring feels like a struggle, tune in again. Notice what you need to support yourself in this moment of friction.
Sometimes honoring is as simple as taking a break. Sometimes it is a bigger shift that takes months or years, like changing work or relationships. Either way, the process is the same: awareness first, then small, steady steps toward honoring who you really are.
Selfgentleness in Action
When you honor your needs, you step into authenticity. You begin to make choices that match who you are, not who you think you should be. Some needs can be honored in a single breath. Others take a lifetime. Both matter.
This is the ongoing work of selfgentleness. Noticing, acknowledging, and honoring your needs and desires. Learning to live in a way that no longer creates friction within you. It is not about doing it perfectly, but about remembering that every step counts.
For now, let it be enough to make a promise to yourself: I will honor what I need, even in small ways. I will keep showing up for me.
If you would like to deepen this practice, you can start with my free Selfgentleness Starter Guide + Meditation, where I guide you through the foundation of tuning in, acknowledging and honoring. And if you want to learn how to honor your needs across all areas of life, that is the work we do together inside my membership called the Selfgentleness Academy.
And always remember: you cannot do this wrong. You can only do this right.
Be selfgentle. Honor who you are.
All love,
Femke
