About dr. Femke bakker
You already know you should be kinder to yourself. So why does it keep not happening?
I didn't create Selfgentleness to teach it. I created it because I needed it. For most of my life, I was the strong one. The one others depended on. It was exhausting, because I never learned to be kinder to myself first. Selfgentleness changed that. This is my story, and it might be yours too.
it began with awareness
How Being the Strong One Made It Hard to Be Gentle with Myself.
As I realized that I was the one to take care of my own needs, I could finally let go of being 'the strong one'...
Growing up as a parentified kid, being 'the strong one' was my way to cope with things. For decades I never asked for help. I showed up for anyone who needed me - loving unconditionally, but completely ignoring what I needed and wanted.
Years of inner work (self-help books, therapy, meditation) made me see that being the strong one was how I tried to feel worthy of love. Even my own. It helped me to understand my patterns, triggers and behavior. But to actually, deeply change how I felt about myself, was way harder. Each time I tried to put myself first, life happened and would make me feel like all that inner work had been useless. Like I had to start all over again. While hoping someone else would take over.
One day, right after my morning meditation, I had a thought that changed the way I was thinking about myself: as long as I would not take care of my own needs, no one else would too. I decided to stop trying to 'fix' myself, and to become radically gentle with myself.
Over the last decade, I developed processes and practices to treat myself in a gentler, more compassionate and kinder way. And it worked. My inner dialogue changed from harsh to gentle. Selfgentleness was born.
My TEDx Talk on Selfgentleness:
How to Stop Being Hard on Yourself
In this TEDx talk, I share how growing up with too much responsibility shaped the way I treated myself. I explore why many high-functioning adults are hardest on themselves in moments of pressure, and how selfgentleness offers a different path.
This talk introduces the core idea behind my work: radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.
Selfgentleness is closely related to self-compassion and mindfulness, but focuses specifically on how you treat yourself when you are under pressure. If this talk resonates, you can explore your own pattern through the Selfgentleness Quiz.
And then I discovered that selfgentleness, learning to be truly gentle with yourself,
works for other people too.
The practices, meditation, and processes I developed for myself turned out to be helpful to others too. When I started to first tell and later teach about selfgentleness, I started to receive messages from people saying how I had helped them to feel gentler toward themselves.
People like you and me. Who are finally done 'fixing' themselves. Who are, after years of hard inner work, ready to find ease. To connect to a gentler inner voice. And to know what to do when life challenges you. Every time again.
AND NOW I CREATED SELFGENTLENESS ACADEMY, WHERE I HELP YOU TO BE KINDER TO YOURSELF. NO MATTER WHAT.
teaching selfgentleness since 2019
28k+ Students
1 Membership
825k+ Meditators
230+ Live Events
ABOUT dr. femke bakker, founder of selfgentleness academy
Hello, I'm Femke
Selfgentleness teacher, behavioral scientist, author, and former actor and screen writer. Mom of two. Living hand in hand with the love of my life. And most of all: more and more accepting myself as I am.
At the heart of my work is understanding the human inner world. I explore it through research, creativity, meditation, and selfgentleness, and translate what I find into stories and practices.
As a political psychologist, I research and teach how and why individuals matter in political and societal life. Without going into detail here, you can read more about my academic work here.
Before earning my PhD, I spent nearly two decades as a professionally trained actor and screenwriter. I worked in theatre and television, learning how stories shape understanding, emotion, and connection. You can find more about my former acting career on IMDb and on the Dutch version of Wikipedia.
In 2018 I became a certified meditation teacher at The Veda Centre. This is where everything came together into what I now call Selfgentleness: the practice of radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.
Dr. Femke Bakker: research, writing, and speaking
RESEARCH & TEACHING
Political Psychologist & Senior Assistant Professor at Leiden University
At the heart of my academic work is a simple premise: individuals matter. As a senior assistant professor of political psychology at Leiden University, I research how beliefs, personality, and inner awareness shape leadership and decision-making, especially under pressure.
My research has been recognized internationally. In 2019 I received the Jean Blondel PhD Prize from the European Consortium for Political Research, awarded for the best European PhD thesis in political science. The same year, my work received an Honorable Mention from the International Society of Political Psychology. In 2024 my book Hawks and Doves was published by ECPR Press.
My current research explores how mindfulness, meditation and self-awareness support leaders in high-stress environments, and in 2019 I received a PEACE Grant from the Mind & Life Institute to research how loving-kindness meditation can help cultivate political tolerance.
This intersection of science and inner awareness is where the Selfgentleness Perspective was born: what I studied in political systems, how pressure shapes behavior and belief, turned out to be exactly what I was living internally.
I teach political psychology, research skills and political leadership at bachelor's level, and the psychology of politics at master's level, at Leiden University.
View my publications on Google Scholar.
Writing on selfgentleness and the inner life
writing
Alongside my academic work, I write about the questions that don't make it into research papers: why we are so hard on ourselves, what it actually takes to change that, and what becomes possible when we stop. Over time I noticed that the same dynamics I studied in political systems, how pressure is maintained, how people police themselves within structures of power, were playing out internally in the people I knew, including myself. That observation is at the foundation of the Selfgentleness Perspective
I am also writing a book for everyone who has done the inner work and keeps coming back to the same place. It is called The Selfgentleness Perspective. If you'd like to stay close to the process, you can join the waitlist here.
on Tiny Buddha:
How Being the Strong One in My Family Became a Trap
Insight Timer Blog:
Positive Politics: Can Meditation Make Us Better Citizens?
I've spoken in government ministries, public organizations, academic settings, and personal development spaces, in English and Dutch, online and in person. My talks grow from lived experience, deep research, and years of showing up with curiosity and care. I don't offer quick fixes. I offer a moment of pause, a shift in perspective, and an invitation to trust that who you truly are matters.
Topics I speak on include selfgentleness and emotional resilience, authentic leadership, political tolerance and polarization, and decision-making under pressure. I've given a TEDx talk on selfgentleness and appeared on Universiteit van Nederland.
Available for keynotes and workshops, online and in person, in English and Dutch.
Speaking on leadership, tolerance, and selfgentleness
speaking
Interested in speaking with me about your event? Get in touch.
Organizations I've Worked With
You don't need more fixing,
you need gentleness
Ease grows when you
stop fighting who you are
Selfgentleness is
self-love in action
Selfgentleness begins with
listening to yourself.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
Listen Inward /
Gentleness is Strength
Enough is Enough /
Ease is Not Earned
You Aren't The Problem
Selfgentleness is not about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about learning to relate to yourself differently. With honesty, care, and respect. So you can meet life as it is, without turning against yourself.
This philosophy offers a different starting point. Less fixing. Less forcing. More listening. And a way of moving through life that creates ease, clarity, and inner steadiness.
