Selfgentleness Academy
You already know you should be gentler with yourself. So why doesn't it stick?
You've been here before. You know what it feels like to be gentle with yourself. And you know how quickly it goes when life gets hard.
Selfgentleness is not about fixing yourself. It's about learning to stay with yourself, especially on the days when you're the last one being gentle with you.
Selfgentleness Academy
You already know you should be gentler with yourself. So why doesn't it stick?
You've been here before. You know what it feels like to be gentle with yourself. And you know how quickly it goes when life gets hard.
Selfgentleness is not about fixing yourself. It's about learning to stay with yourself, especially on the days when you're the last one being gentle with you.
Does This feel familiar:
Why does this still feel so hard, even though I know better?
1.
One comment, and it all falls apart. You were fine, and then someone was disappointed or annoyed, and within minutes everything you'd built felt gone. You know the reaction doesn't match. You still can't stop it.
2.
So many people rely on you that you keep ending up last on your own list. And honestly, you're exhausted from always being the strong one.
3.
You can see yourself doing it and you can't stop it anyway. You watch yourself say yes when you mean no. You know, in real time, exactly what's happening. The knowing doesn't change a thing.
4.
Self-improvement has become another stick to beat yourself with. The books, the therapy, the courses, the practices, the morning routine. You've done all of it. And somewhere along the way, the inner critic got in there too, measuring how well you're healing. You're tired of working on yourself. What if you didn't have to anymore?
If any of this sounds familiar, you're not back at square one. You're at exactly the point where selfgentleness begins.
Selfgentleness is not what you think it is
Selfgentleness is the practice of radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.
Not when you've earned it. Not when everything is under control. Consistently. And especially when life is hard.
It's built on three things: noticing what's actually happening inside you, acknowledging it without judgment, and honoring what you genuinely need in that moment.
Most people who find their way here have tried being kinder to themselves before. They understand the concept. What keeps slipping is the follow-through — not because they're doing it wrong, but because understanding selfgentleness and living it are two different things.
That gap is exactly what the Selfgentleness Academy is for. Because learning how to be gentle with yourself, consistently, is something most of us have to practice. This is where that practice lives.
WHAT SELFGENTLENESS MEANS
dr. Femke E. Bakker
I created Selfgentleness
because ... honestly...
I needed it.
Growing up with far more responsibilities than any kid should have, I became the strong one. The one who saved the day, showed up for everyone, and never asked for anything in return. For a long time I believed, quietly and persistently, that love had to be earned through selflessness and proving.
Years of inner work — therapy, meditation, eventually becoming a certified meditation teacher — helped me understand the pattern. But understanding it and actually breaking it were two different things. Each time I tried to put myself first, life happened and pulled me straight back.
Then something shifted. Not dramatically, not all at once. Gradually, through small daily practices, I started to have my own back. I stopped explaining myself. I learned to say no. I found a way to stay with myself when it got hard. That's what I now call selfgentleness — and it's what the Academy is built on.
Selfgentleness turned out to be the answer, a practice that stays with me when life gets hard.
selfgentleness academy™
A place where you don't have to figure it out alone.
A meditation can give you ease in a single moment. A course can give you the practices. What Selfgentleness Academy gives you is something neither can: a place where you are known, where the structure is already there, and where, over time, something underneath gradually shifts. Not just what you do. What you believe about yourself.
You don't have to figure out where to start or what comes next. Just follow along. You begin with the Foundational Path, a gentle, clear introduction to the core of selfgentleness. Short practices, simple enough to fit into a real day. A base you can return to whenever things get hard, without having to remember what you were supposed to do. From there, Selfgentleness Tracks let you go deeper into whatever feels most relevant right now, relationships, emotional resilience, perfectionism, your body, finding more ease in daily life. Each one structured, each one there whenever you're ready for it.
Every month brings a shared focus: a guide or workbook, short videos, and a group coaching call where we work with what's actually happening in your life right now. You can follow along closely, or let it sit until life brings that topic to the surface. There's no falling behind.
Structure when you want it. Personal focus when you need it. All in your tempo, all tailored to where you are right now. And throughout all of it, you are understood, and you're not doing it alone.
What's waiting for you inside
Step-by-Step Practices
where you begin
Most people who find their way here have already tried being gentler with themselves. They know the concept. What's been missing isn't more information — it's a base that holds when life gets hard.
The Foundational Path gives you that. Short practices, two minutes at a time, built around three things: noticing what's happening inside you, acknowledging it without judgment, and honoring what you actually need in that moment. Simple enough to fit into a real day. Steady enough to come back to when you've lost the thread.
You don't have to figure out where to start. It's already mapped out for you.
explore further
Selfgentleness Tracks
If there's a particular area of your life where selfgentleness still doesn't quite hold — your relationships, your body, how you handle stress, the inner critic that shows up at work — there's a track for that.
Each track goes deep into one specific territory. Video, audio practices, a workbook. You can follow it from beginning to end, or come back to it when that part of life gets loud again. There's no fixed order. No catching up. Just you, going where it's actually hard right now.
shared focus
Monthly Themes
Every month there's a shared focus inside the Academy — a theme that runs through a workbook or guide, short videos, audio practices and our live session together. Relationships. Creativity. Perfectionism. Letting things be hard without immediately trying to fix them.
You can follow it closely, or let it sit until life brings that topic to the surface. There's no falling behind. The theme finds you when you're ready for it.
And if you want to explore further on your own, the full library of past lives and recorded sessions is always there.
between sessions
real access
Community
Live Group Coaching Sessions
Between live calls, there's a community space where you can share what's coming up, ask a question, or simply read what others are sitting with. You don't have to post. Many members spend months reading quietly before they write anything. That's completely fine.
What matters is that you're not doing this alone, even on the days when you don't reach out. The room is there. The people in it already understand the pattern without needing it explained.
On Insight Timer, you can listen to me. Here, you can talk to me.
Once or twice a month we meet live as a group — a small, private call where you can bring whatever is actually happening for you right now. Not a webinar. Not a recording.
A real conversation, with real responses, in real time. The kind of questions that come up here don't need a preamble. The people in the room already know why they're there.
Between sessions, you can post your question in the community and I'll respond. What this gives you isn't a feature. It's access — to someone who knows this pattern from the inside, and who will actually answer.
“Her simple, soothing tools don't take much time, so I actually use them. I keep coming back to these practices whenever I need it. Life feels better when I'm taking good care of myself.”
— Nienke Westerhof
Member experience
The hard part isn’t deciding.
It’s staying with yourself on hard days.
Anyone can decide to be selfgentle in a single moment. The hard part is the follow-through, especially on the messy days.
That's where Selfgentleness Academy helps: it takes your 'I want to be kinder to myself' promise and shows you how to return to it, without adding more pressure.
Day after day you're handed short, doable practices, and language for the moments that usually trip you up. The guilt, the yes when you meant no, the collapse after one critical word..
Before long, you catch yourself using the tools on your own, exactly when you need them most. Not perfectly. But more often, and a little more easily each time.
So take a moment with this: what would it feel like to put yourself first, without the guilt following right behind?
Over time, this is what many people begin to notice in their daily lives:
Mornings feel less heavy. Not perfect. Just more gentle.
Saying “no” becomes cleaner, with less explaining and less guilt afterward.
The inner critic loses authority, and your own voice becomes easier to trust in real moments.
Somewhere in the middle of a busy day, you catch yourself. And you choose yourself instead of pushing through.
You notice how much less you’re bracing yourself against life. There’s less effort in being yourself.
When things get hard, you know how to support yourself instead of feeling alone in it
Choosing yourself starts to feel steady rather than selfish, even when others rely on you.
In your first month inside Selfgentleness Academy, you'll experience:
A two-minute practice that actually fits. You'll start with short daily check-ins, small enough to slot into a real day, steady enough to feel the difference.
Two Minutes That Actually Fit
A shared space where you don't have to explain yourself. At least one live call a month with a small group. A community space for whenever you want it, at your own pace.
A Room Where You Don't Have to Explain
A gentler way to meet your inner critic. Not by silencing it. By learning, slowly, to soothe it and take it less seriously.
A Soothed Inner Critic
Words for the moments that usually trip you up. Saying no. Asking for what you need. Pausing instead of pushing through. You'll find language that feels like yours.
Language for the Moments That Trip You Up
Member experience
“Learning these techniques with personal interaction and advice from Femke is life-changing.”
- Melinda king
The person behind selfgentleness
I'm Femke Bakker. I research why people struggle to be kind to themselves. And I had to learn it the long way myself.
I sail when I can, I'm a mother of two, and I share my home with the love of my life, a dog, and a cat. I've been teaching and researching for years. And selfgentleness is where all of it, the academic work, the meditation practice, the personal upheaval, eventually led.
And the longer I've worked with this, the more certain I am: this isn't just my pattern. It's the pattern of everyone who learned early that showing up for others was safer than showing up for themselves.
But it wasn't always this way.
I've taken the long way to understand this. A career as a professional actor, then an almost accidental pivot to political science, sparked by news radio and a wall I was plastering alone. A PhD at Leiden University, a dissertation that won a major prize, and eventually a position as a university teacher and researcher. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, years of meditation practice deepened into becoming a certified teacher.
I wasn't just studying what goes on inside people professionally. I was also, slowly and not always gracefully, trying to figure out what was going on inside me.
What I know now is this: understanding a pattern and actually living differently are two separate things. The research confirmed what the personal work was already teaching me. The shift doesn't come from more insight. It comes from consistent, gentle practice, returned to especially when life gets hard. That's what I built selfgentleness on. Not a theory. A practice I kept needing myself.
This is for you if:
You've done inner work and know yourself well, but keep getting pulled back into old patterns
You're tired of being last on your own list
You're not looking for another performance-driven system, you want something that actually stays
You’re hoping for an overnight cure
You're in acute crisis, please seek professional care first
It's probably not for you if...
You'd rather someone else do the process for you
You want something that fits into real life, not another thing that requires a perfect schedule
You've probably tried things before that didn't stick.
Maybe a course you never finished. A practice you kept meaning to return to. Something that helped for a while, and then life got busy and you lost the thread. Don't blame yourself for that. It's what happens when something doesn't fit around the reality of your days.
The Selfgentleness Academy is built around that reality. You start with the Foundational Path, the core of what selfgentleness actually is and how to live it. From there, Tracks take you deeper into the specific things that matter most to you right now, relationships, emotions, perfectionism, boundaries, and more. Each one structured, in-depth, and there whenever you're ready for it.
And at least once a month, we meet live. A small group call where you can bring whatever is actually happening for you. I'm there, not a team, not a recording. Just me, and a small group of people who get it.
Nothing is mandatory.
Nothing expires.
You stay in charge, always.
you can just start to practice it.”
— dr. femke bakker
“You don’t need to earn selfgentleness
when you're ready
Join The Academy
A space to have your own back. Choose the pace that fits your life right now.
Monthly
Everything inside the Academy, from day one.
Begin here. Come back often. Leave whenever you need to.
Annual
Everything in the monthly plan, held for the year.
One decision.
A full year of coming back to yourself.
for flexibility and ease
For continuity and deeper support.
€19 / MONTH
€199 / year (≈€16,50 p/m)
Cancel anytime. No questions asked.
Nothing is mandatory.
Nothing expires.
Joining is a choice, not a test or a trial.
“Femke is a very good teacher and demonstrates selfgentleness through her own lived experiences and for being open and vulnerable in sharing”
— richard
member experience
16
Years of teaching experience
230+
Live sessions hosted
28k+
Meditation plays
825k+
Course completions
Frequently Asked Questions
What exactly is selfgentleness?
Selfgentleness is the practice of radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. Not when you've earned it, not when everything is under control, but consistently, and especially when life is hard. It's built on three things: noticing what's actually happening inside you, acknowledging it without judgment, and honoring what you genuinely need in that moment. Those foundations then become a lens you carry into every area of life, your relationships, your work, your body, the way you move through hard days. That's what makes it a perspective shift rather than just a method. You can read more on the selfgentleness page, which also has its own FAQ.
How much time will this take?
Group calls with Femke are live and not recorded, so the space stays private and safe. If you miss one, you can always post your question in the community. The library has a growing collection of pre-recorded practices and sessions available whenever you need them.
What if I miss a live call?
Practices run between 2 and 15 minutes. Track lessons vary, some tracks are a handful of shorter practices, others go more in depth. Live sessions are 60 minutes. How much time you spend is always up to you.
Where can I learn more before joining?
More than you might expect from a membership at this price. Each month there's a live group call where you can bring what's actually happening for you, and I'm there in person. Between sessions, the community space is there for questions and reflections. And if you prefer to keep it quiet and work through things privately, that's completely fine too. You choose how much support you want.
Can I join right now?
Yes, you can join today. Simply click the link, create an account and you'll receive a welcome email with your login details. You gain immediate access to everything in Selfgentleness Academy.
How much guidance will I get?
The selfgentleness page explains the perspective in depth and has its own FAQ. The blog has longer reads on specific topics. And if you have a question that isn't answered anywhere, just send an email to info[at]selfgentlenessacademy[dot]com and I'll answer you personally.
Do I have to participate in the community?
Not at all. Many members start quietly, working through the practices on their own. The community is there when you want it, not as an obligation. Share only when you're ready, or never, if that's what feels right.
How much does it cost, and can I cancel?
What if I have a question for Femke?
The monthly plan costs €19 per month and can be cancelled any time. If you choose an annual subscription you pay €199, which comes down to €16,50 per month, and you'll have access for a full year. Curious what others have experienced? Read what people who have worked with Femke say on the reviews page.
Post it in the community or submit it ahead of the next Live Group Call. I pick the most common themes to tackle live, and we learn a lot from each other's questions. If yours isn't covered that month, you can bring it to the following live session.
Is this therapy or coaching?
Neither, though it can work well alongside therapy. It isn't one-on-one coaching, and while there is a live group element, the focus isn't on fixing problems or hitting goals. Selfgentleness Academy is for people who are already self-aware, who have often done significant inner work, and who are ready to stop working so hard at themselves and let more ease in instead. That shift, from effort to gentleness, is at the heart of everything here. If you're currently working with a therapist, it's worth checking with them first to make sure this fits where you are right now.
What if I've tried meditation before and it didn't work for me?
Selfgentleness isn't a meditation practice, though it does include guided practices. The foundation is a perspective shift, a gradual change in how you see and relate to yourself, and the practices are short, simple, and designed to fit into real life. That said, if meditation has always felt forced or out of reach, you might find something shifts here. Inside the Academy there's a dedicated meditation track and a course that approaches it differently, meeting you where you are rather than asking you to adapt to a standard that never quite fit. Some members find they can suddenly meditate in a way that works for them. Others don't, and that's fine too.
What happens when I join?
You'll get immediate access. Watch my welcome message with a quick tour of Selfgentleness Academy. You can start with the Foundational Path or choose a Selfgentleness Track. All at your own pace, focused on what feels most relevant to you right now.
I already follow you on Insight Timer. Why would I pay for the Academy?
Honest answer: if you're looking for more content to listen to, you don't need it. My meditations are there, and they'll stay there.
The Academy is something different. When you listen to a track, you're alone with a recording. Here, you're in an ongoing conversation, with me, with a small group of people who understand the pattern without needing it explained, and with a structure that does the remembering for you when life gets busy. You're not paying for more audio. You're paying for a room to actually practice in.
A space to have your own back. Choose the pace that fits your life right now.
Monthly
Everything inside the Academy, from day one.
Begin here. Come back often. Leave whenever you need to.
Annual
Everything in the monthly plan, held for the year.
One decision.
A full year of coming back to yourself.
for flexibility and ease
For continuity and deeper support.
€19 / MONTH
€199 / year (≈€16,50 p/m)
Cancel anytime. No questions asked.
Nothing is mandatory.
Nothing expires.
Joining is a choice, not a test or a trial.
Still on the fence?
Maybe the practical things are in the way, time, money, other commitments already pulling at you. Or maybe it's something harder to name than that. A feeling that you've already spent enough on yourself. That you should be further along by now. That this is one more thing you might not follow through on.
If that's where you are, this is exactly the right place for you.
Joining is a choice, not a test or a trial. One month is a low-risk way to find out whether this feels right. And if it doesn't, you leave. No questions asked.
But if something in you kept nodding while you were reading this, that's worth listening to. That small yes is selfgentleness, already trying to find its way in.
Send me an email if you have a question I haven't answered. I read and respond personally.
