By Dr. Femke E. Bakker
Step 2 of the core practice of Selfgentleness: Tuning In
When you start with the foundational practice of Tuning In for the first time to feel what you need, you might run into feeling resistance. You might wonder how to acknowledge what you need. You notice how your mind immediately begins to spin. Thoughts that start with the word ‘but’. You feel how your stomach starts to clench. And then… a tsunami of buts: But I cannot do this. But I do not have time. But others will not understand. You feel guilty already for the mere thought of needing something.
This is often the moment where you turn away. You try to push these feelings aside or jump into fixing mode. Yet the practice of selfgentleness begins here. Not by solving. Not by rushing ahead. But by acknowledging what is going on inside.
What Acknowledging Means
Acknowledging is the act of becoming aware. It is not about having the right words or the perfect clarity. It is enough to notice what you do not want.
When you are not used to tuning in, it can feel impossible to connect with what you truly desire. So you start where you are. Perhaps you feel tension around an upcoming meeting, or resistance to a family obligation. By recognizing what you do not want, you are already creating space. On the other side of that recognition lies a hint of what you do want. That small awareness is the beginning.
Why It Feels Difficult
Acknowledging sounds easy, yet many of us stumble here. Old conditioning tells you to push your needs aside. Responsibilities weigh heavily. Time feels scarce. Guilt rises when the thought appears that someone might be disappointed if you claim space for yourself.
These layers make acknowledging feel unsafe. But this is precisely where selfgentleness comes in. You are not asked to act on your needs right away. You are not asked to change anything. The first step is only to hear what is already inside. To acknowledge that this is it.
How to Practice Acknowledging
Acknowledging asks for a little bit of courage. Not the courage to take bold action, but the courage to not push away what you already know deep inside.
- Notice the unwanted. Begin by recognizing what you do not want. This is often clearer than what you do want. Let it be enough.
- Let your emotions guide you. If the thought of something creates heaviness or a pit in your stomach, there is resistance. If an idea feels light and brings ease, it is already closer to you.
- Relax the ‘buts’. You will likely hear many thoughts that say, but this is not possible. Allow those thoughts to soften. Remind yourself, I do not need to act right now. I am simply acknowledging what is here.
- Offer yourself safety. Even if what you want feels unreachable, you can still honor that awareness. You are safe to want. You are safe to need. Always.
Acknowledging is not about finding a way through. It is about allowing yourself to know what is there, without pressure to fix or justify it.
Selfgentleness Starts Here
When you acknowledge what is inside, you give yourself a gift. You let yourself be seen by you. Even if nothing changes on the outside yet, you are already supporting yourself from within.
This is the core of selfgentleness. From here, you will learn how to honor your needs and desires, which is the next step in the process. For now, let it be enough to notice and to say to yourself, this is it.
If you would like to explore Tuning In more deeply, you can start with my free Selfgentleness Starter Guide + Meditation, where I guide you through the first step of tuning in and acknowledging.
And never forget: it’s ok to want and don’t want things in your life.
Be selfgentle. Dare to desire.
All love, Femke
