By Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Some days, I look in the mirror and feel warmth. I see my softness, my strength, my story. I feel grateful. Other days, I catch a glimpse and think: I should be different by now. I should be tighter, firmer, leaner, younger-looking.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Loving your body – consistently, unconditionally, and without effort – is not something we were taught. And even if you’re on a selfgentle path, old body stories can still show up.

Why body image is so hard to shake

I was a teenager during the “heroin chic” era, when beauty meant being very thin, almost waif-like. But I was curvy. And even though I was super slim, I hated those curves. Because I felt fat. I looked at photos of Marilyn Monroe and wished I’d been born in a time when curves were allowed. I now realize I looked at my body with an exterior perspective of what was supposed to be perfect.

Most of us were raised to see our bodies from the outside in. As objects to be fixed, judged, improved. We learned early what was considered attractive, acceptable, or too much. And we kept those rules stored deep away in our belief system, even as we began to unlearn them with our heads.

Social media doesn’t help. Filters, angles, and curated highlights offer the same message: You’ll be enough once you are perfect – CHANGE!

So even if you know the truth: that worth has nothing to do with size, shape, or smoothness, you often feel something else. A tension in your stomach. A nagging curiosity: how does she manage to look like that? Comparing, again and again. The urge to check and adjust.

The body as a trustworthy vehicle

What helped me shift was not trying to love my body all the time. It was learning to see what is there actually.

To notice how glad I am with opposable thumbs. The realization that my lungs will take oxygen in, no matter what. Feeling how my heart beats and beats and makes sure that all the cells in my body are cared for. I can feel the softness of my skin. My curves. I feel how my appreciation grows. My body carries me. Always.

And maybe the most power insight: how fleeting all my perspective on my body is.

Recently I heard about a colleague my age dying of cancer. And suddenly I thought: What a waste it is to be dissatisfied with this body I get to live in.

I also found myself looking at old photos and thinking, Wow, I looked so gorgeous then – even though I remember disliking that same picture then: I thought I was too fat. It made me pause and ask:

What if the future version of me is looking at me now, wishing I’d seen it sooner?

You don’t have to feel body love to be selfgentle

Selfgentleness doesn’t require you to love your body today. Like everything selfgentle, it’s a lifelong process-in-progress. The thought that just occurred to me is: my body is me. So, it deserves the same gentleness like I do.

That might sound as a weird thought (why would my body not be me???) but in a sense, it sometimes feels like that. When I look with dissatisfaction to my body, it’s almost as if it’s not me. Because at that moment, I want to ‘fix’ it.

Selfgentleness allows me to look at my body and to be ok with what there is right now. Whether I am too full or too skinny, whether I am ill or healthy, it’s all part of who I am right now. And I realize there are so many things of my body to be grateful for:

• It breathes for me
• It carries me, heals me, alerts me
• It held and nurtured my children
• It tells me when I need to rest
• It’s always been trying to help me survive

The appreciation I feel is so strong when I do this. It’s not magic, though. This practice can’t erase years of conditioning just like that. But little by little, I am building a bridge. A daily moment of gratitude. A softening in how I relate to this body that has always been me.

And over time, that softening becomes a new belief.

Want to explore this more?

If you want to begin tending to your body with more kindness and awareness, I shared a selfgentle practice in one of my Selfgentleness Live sessions. Your can see the recording here:

Watch the body image meditation on YouTube

It’s a talk with a guided practice halfway to come back to your body with appreciation and, maybe, a sprinkle of love.

Truth is: if you’ve been struggling with your body image, it will not dissipated just like that. But some conscious and deliberate practice to connect again and again to your body will shift your perspective. Gradually, but significantly.

If you’re curious about selfgentleness, read my article ‘What is selfgentleness?’

Be selfgentle,
All love, Femke