by Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Why does everything have to be so hard?

That question used to echo in my head like a stubborn mantra. No matter how much I got done, how good I tried to be, how strong I showed up, life kept feeling difficult. When I finally had a moment to relax, or to just be with myself, something or someone would show up to make me neglect my ‘well-deserved time’ again. I wondered why I didn’t deserve more ease in my life.

When I started to practice selfgentleness, I didn’t know how much it would help me to make life feel easier. I realized that I wanted to deal better with my inner critic, with my sensitivity, and with my tendency to put others first.

What I didn’t know was what selfgentleness would do for my perception of ease. But that’s exactly what happened. The more selfgentle I became, the easier life turned out to be. More moments of me-time. Less struggle to relax. Clarity of how to deal with work pressure. Allowing myself not to live up to expectations. Life simply started to feel more easy, even those moments that once felt so hard.

What if ease doesn’t have to be earned?

Most of us carry the belief that ease is something you get after you deserve it. After you’ve worked hard, proved yourself, sacrificed. Then, maybe, you get to rest. Maybe you get to feel light.

But that belief is exactly what keeps ease out of reach. Because the goalpost always moves. There’s always something more to do, someone else to show up for, a future version of you who will finally be allowed to slow down.

Selfgentleness shifts that belief slowly but radically. Because ease isn’t something you have to earn. It’s all about the decision to allow ease in.

How I began letting in ease

For me, it started with what felt like laziness. Choosing to rest. To postpone a task until I felt ready. I committed to one rule: the first thing I do every morning is to make sure I feel as good as I can feel. It wasn’t easy at first, but over time I noticed that life became more easy. Thoughts about being lazy or ‘not normal’ slowed down and then disappeared.

And what happened then surprised me: I didn’t fall behind. I didn’t collapse. I started doing things better. With less friction. With more clarity. And honestly: more joy.

Ease didn’t make me lazy. It made me capable. Creative. Responsive.

The more selfgentleness I practiced, the more space I found for ease. It was like clearing out a room I didn’t know I had. And slowly, the question “Why is everything always hard?” faded.

What ease feels like in the body

Ease feels like sunlight on your skin and letting yourself notice. Like walking down the street and actually seeing people, wanting to smile. Like stopping on you way, smelling a flower because you can.

It’s the opposite of bracing. Your shoulders soften. Your breath moves deeper. You feel like you have time. Not because your schedule changed, but because your perspective shifted.

Ease is not the absence of stress. It’s what lets you deal with stress before it slows you down.

You don’t need to push through everything

Let this be a moment where you question the old rule: that everything worthwhile must be hard. That rest must be earned. That ease is selfish.

Because when you allow yourself to find ease, life will feel better. You’ll experience more energy, more presence. More alive.

And the beautiful irony? You still get things done. Often better. Often faster. With more clarity, because you’re not dragging yourself through every step.

Ease is not a luxury. It’s a different kind of intelligence. One your body knows, if you let it lead sometimes.

Want to begin?

If this idea stirs something in you, you can read my article ‘What is Selfgentleness’. Or, if you want to start immediately practicing selfgentleness, you can start here:

The Selfgentleness Starter Guide + Meditation
It includes:

• A printable PDF with the 3-step process (Tune In – Acknowledge – Honor)
• A private audio you can use anytime you need support to tune in
• A simple, powerful way to start showing up for yourself with more softness and clarity

Click here to get it for free.

And if you’re ready to deepen your practice, there’s a self-paced course inside the Selfgentleness Academy (my membership) that teaches you how to perform with more ease—in just one week. It’s a step-by-step program to help you do things differently, and to trust that ease can be the way forward, even when you’re used to perform at your peak.

Be selfgentle,
All love, Femke