By Dr. Femke E. Bakker
Why am I so indecisive and what to do about it
Some decisions seem to take up all the space in your mind.
You circle them for days, weighing pros and cons, imagining every possible outcome, replaying conversations in your head. And if the choice affects other people, the inner noise gets even louder.
For years, I noticed something: if a decision only affected me, I could make it quickly. But if it involved others, I’d slip into people-pleasing without even realizing it. I’d ask, What do you want? What would make you happy? Again and again, until I’d lost track of what I actually wanted.
Selfgentleness taught me another way.
Why you get stuck in indecision
You tell yourself you’re searching for the “right” decision. But often, you’re actually trying to avoid fear:
- Fear of making the wrong choice
- Fear of disappointing someone
- Fear of looking inconsistent if we change our mind later
When fear is in charge, every option feels risky. And because you want to be good and responsible, you can forget that your needs are part of the equation too.
There are hardly ever any wrong decisions
One of the most freeing shifts I’ve made is realizing this: there is no single “right” choice.
It works like this: we generally assume that if we pick one option and it doesn’t work out, the other would have been perfect. But you don’t know that — you’re just imagining it. The only real choice is the one you make, and then you get to see where it takes you.
And here’s the part that can feel radical: you can always change your mind.
You’re allowed to make a different choice later. You don’t have to explain it to anyone. Not even to yourself.
Even more: research shows that the more stress you experience (due to your going back and forth) the more difficult it will become to actually make a decision.
How selfgentleness can help you decide
When a decision feels hard, especially one that could change your life or deeply affect others, try this:
- Pause and tune in. Set aside the decision for a moment. Close your eyes. Feel your breath. Ask yourself, What do I really want? Let the answer be quiet and unpolished. Tip: sometimes it’s easier to know what you don’t want. And that is a great start too!
- Notice the feelings that come up. If fear, doubt, or resistance appears, be as kind and gentle with yourself as you can be. You don’t have to get rid of those feelings before deciding. Just acknowledge they’re there.
- Make one choice and line up with it. If you choose A, let yourself fully experience A. Avoid splitting your energy with maybe I should have chosen B. If you later realize A isn’t working, you can choose again. No worries. Even by picking ‘wrong’ you’ll gain new info to know more about what you really want.
This isn’t about forcing certainty. It’s about building trust in your ability to listen to yourself and to adjust when needed.
A daily practice to make decisions easier
If indecision has been a constant in your life, start with a small daily habit:
- Spend a few minutes each day tuning in to what you want (or don’t want) in that moment.
- Keep it simple. You can do this while making tea, sitting in your car, or before bed.
- After about 30 days, you’ll likely notice more clarity and less second-guessing, even with bigger decisions.
The more often you listen to yourself, the easier it becomes to hear your own voice when it matters most.
You don’t have to get it perfect
Every choice is a step forward, even if it leads to a detour. What matters is staying connected to yourself as you walk it.
If you want a selfgentle way to practice tuning in, I’ve created a free Selfgentleness Starter Guide + 10-minute meditation to help you begin. It’s the same practice that made decision-making lighter and more peaceful for me.
You can always choose again. Can you feel the freedom that comes with that knowledge? That’s yours to keep and remember.
Be selfgentle. Be inconsistent. Be you. You’re exactly right as you are.
All love, Femke
