How to stop overgiving without guilt

You carry so much. The appointments, the reminders, the quiet checking in. You are the one others lean on. And here’s the rub: when everyone else’s needs fill your day, your own needs slip to the edges. You know you “should take better care of yourself,” yet it feels like choosing yourself means abandoning someone else. This post is for that inner conflict. For the internal battle between love for others and loyalty to yourself.

What’s really happening when you keep overgiving

As a kid, I became a caregiver early ( I was eight years old). My mother’s psychiatric struggles (and the divorce of my parents following on that) left me together with my father to raise my little sister and to keep our little world running. Cooking. School drop-offs. Being “the strong one.” That role shaped me. People came to me for help, even strangers on the train with heavy stories. I loved being dependable. I still do, if I am honest. (If you want to know more about my story, you could listen to my TEDx talk about Selfgentleness here).

Only much later I realized that “Being the strong one” had become a belief I used to keep myself safe. If I was always strong for others, I did not have to feel how I was doing. It was as if believing I was strong could keep me from collapsing myself. In other words: I needed to be the strong one. Because what would happen with me if I wasn’t? Who would take care of me, if I would show my needs? That belief was powerful. It blurred the line between care and self-abandonment. And frankly, till today I have to be really aware not to slide back into that belief. It takes awareness and consciousness to make sure I take care of me too, especially when other people seem to need me.

If this sounds familiar, you might notice this pattern: you step in fast when someone needs you, without even considering what you actually need in that moment. And then you hold a lot, you delay your own rest. Over time, that pattern can slide into caregiver burnout: depletion, resentment, and a shrinking capacity to respond with warmth. If you are there already, just know that this is also a way to keep yourself safe. It’s a clear sign you have been ignoring yourself for way too long. But if you are like me, that creeping feeling of guilt will pop in quickly.

Selfgentleness offers a different way. It asks you to treat your needs as valid in every moment, not only after collapse. It is “radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness” . In practice, that means your care for others is real and your care for yourself is non-negotiable. Not easy at first, but that’s where selfgentleness comes in. It’s a step by step process to incrementally shift your perspective. Over time it allows you to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty. Even better: it will make you deeply feel and understand that you can only care with love and compassion for other people when you have taken care of yourself too.

Why setting limits is not selfish

Shifting your perspective can run into resistance, also by others. People may say choosing yourself is selfish. It isn’t. If someone expects you to prioritize them at your expense, that expectation is the problem, not your boundary. When you are depleted, you cannot offer the kind of steady presence you value. You begin to fix, rush, or secretly resent. That is costly for everyone. Boundaries are not walls. They are simply providing information about your capacity. And protect love from turning into duty. They keep your care warm, not brittle. I wrote more about this in this blogpost called How to Set Boundaries in Relationships Without Feeling Selfish.

How to practice self-care for caregivers when saying no feels impossible

Think of this as a sequence you can return to. Simple steps that protect the relationship you have with yourself.

1) Tune in before you jump in

Close your eyes. Feel your feet. Then ask one sentence:
What can I do right now that would help me feel a little better?
Do the smallest viable version of that answer. A glass of water. Ten deep breaths. A fifteen-minute rest. This is the core of selfgentleness in action: asking, then honoring, one small need now .

2) Name your real capacity

Try a simple script:

• “I want to be here with you. I have an hour today, not the whole evening.”
• “I’m moving slowly today. I can check in by phone at 5.”
  Telling the truth early prevents the last-minute collapse that startles both of you.

3) Offer love, not overreach

Ask yourself: What is the most helpful thing I can do that I can also recover from quickly?
Sometimes it is practical help. Perhaps it is just being present. Sometimes it is a loving message and a plan to reconnect later. Help does not have to be heroic to be meaningful.

4) Expect feelings and stay kind

Guilt may rise when you keep a limit. Let it rise and pass. Your nervous system is learning that you can stay connected without self-abandonment. That is growth. (Read my blogpost about processing emotions –How to Deal with Emotions Without Overthinking– for more help).

5) Build a two-way bond

When you step back, you invite the other person’s strengths to surface. I learned this by necessity: the day I could not jump in, someone I loved moved through their panic by self-soothing. It made me realize that my inability to say yes was actually a gift to both of us. I learned that sometimes people need to help themselves, something that will never be explored when I jump in immediately…

When you are close to burnout

If you are already depleted, simplify to the essentials for a few weeks:

• One non-negotiable daily pause to tune in
• One small movement or breath practice
• One boundary you keep, every time, this week
• One person who can support you

The goal is not perfection. It is consistency in how you treat yourself when it is hardest. That is the muscle selfgentleness builds .

Want more help with this?

In my membership Selfgentleness Academy, we explore all areas of life from the Selfgentleness Perspective. The membership is currently closed, but we have a waitlist when we are ready for a new cohort. You can read more (and sign up for the waitlist if it resonates with you) here.

And if you want to get started immediately, download my Selfgentleness Starter Guide + Meditation. It explains (and let you experience) step by step how you can learn to listen to your own needs first.

Be selfgentle, dear one.

Self-care for caregivers isn’t indulgence; it’s the foundation that keeps love alive.

All love, Femke