Rewrite the story you’re telling about you

You probably rely on a specific story about who you must be to be loved. It’s not a real conscious one, most days it just runs somewhere in the background, like a hum: be nice, be helpful, don’t ask for too much, don’t need something. When life asks more of you, the hum gets louder, and suddenly you’re hard on yourself for being tired, because you said no, or for wanting more.

If this is you, just know that you are not failing. You’re following an old story that once kept you safe.

This post will help you hear your own story, question it with selfgentleness and understanding, and practice a kinder way, without abandoning your responsibilities or yourself.

What: The hidden story that makes you harsh with yourself

The personal story underneath so much self‑criticism is simple and powerful: I must be a good girl (or boy) to be loved. It doesn’t always sound exactly like that, but shows up in the form of thoughts, such as:

• “I should be able to handle this.”
• “I’ll rest when the work is done.”
• “They’ll be disappointed in me if I say no.”
• “If I set a boundary, I’m selfish.”
• “I don’t need help, I can do it by myself.”

These thoughts seem “normal”, useful even, but they’re really about worthiness. They pull you away from your actual experience: your body’s cues, your needs, your limits, and toward performance. When you live inside this story, being hard on yourself feels necessary.

Selfgentleness perspective –

You don’t need to earn your own kindness. You are allowed to belong to yourself first.

Why: Where the story came from (and why it still feels true)

Most of us learned early that approval follows being “good.” For many, that meant caretaking, getting top grades, or staying small so others felt comfortable. Those strategies were intelligent. They helped you feel like you belong.

As adults, the same strategies can exhaust you though. Your nervous system still recognizes the old pattern as safety, so without noticing you keep relying on over-giving, overworking, or over‑explaining. When you deviate, by resting, saying no, or secretly wanting more, an inner (and often not so conscious) alarm rings. That alarm often comes in the form of harsh self‑talk: your inner critic at work.

This is why willpower to change how you do things rarely helps. Because your story protects you. Trying to fight your inner critic usually strengthens it. Listening to it with care is what loosens it.

How: A selfgentle 5‑step practice (2 minutes, repeat daily)

Use this when you notice you’re being hard on yourself, or (even better) as a daily practice to soften the pattern.

1) Tune in (two minutes)

Sit. Feel your feet. Place a hand on your chest or belly. Ask: How am I right now? What do I feel in my body? Let the answer come, no need to think it through, the first word, feeling, insight that pops up is exactly what you need to know. Even if you don’t (yet) understand it exactly…. let it just be within you. No fixing is needed. Just noticing.

Tell yourself: “Hi darling. I’m here. I’m listening.”

2) Name the story (separate fact from script)

Write down one sentence that’s keeping your mind busy. Like: If I say no, they’ll be disappointed and I’ll let everyone down.
Add this line beneath it: This is an old story trying to protect me.

Tell yourself: “Thank you, protector. I see why you’re here.”

3) Ask the kind question

Ask your story: What are you trying to do for me? (It’s almost always: keep me loved, safe, respected.)
Then ask yourself: What do I actually need right now?

Common answers: a pause, water, breath, a stretch, a boundary, clarity, help, postponing a non‑urgent task.

4) Choose one selfgentle micro‑action

Keep it small and immediate, so you show yourself that you are listening. Examples could be:

• Drink a glass of water and breathe out slowly for 8 seconds.
• Put your phone down and step outside for 3 minutes.
• Soothe yourself and say (or write down): “I can’t take this on today. Here’s what I can do.”
• Say out loud: “I’m allowed to be honest about my limits.”

Practice this sentence: “Thanks for asking. I don’t have capacity for that right now.”

5) Keep a promise log (proof you can trust yourself)

Each day, note one promise you kept to yourself, however small. I stretched for two minutes. I closed the laptop at 6.
This builds an internal track record that gently replaces the old story with a more selfgentle one: I have my own back.

When the story pushes back

It’s very common to immediately feel a big fat “YES, BUT….” Thoughts like: But they’ll be upset. But I’ll fall behind. But I should be able to do it all, will most likely pop up when you start shifting your perspective to a more selfgentle one.

If you notice this, try this three‑part response:

1. Acknowledge: “I hear you. You’re trying to keep me safe.”
2. Reassure: “I’m the adult here now. I’ll honor our responsibilities without abandoning myself.”
3. Decide: “For the next 20 minutes, we rest. Then we’ll reassess.”

This keeps you in relationship with the story without letting it drive.

Practical examples you could use this week

• Work ask arrives late Friday. You feel your stomach tighten. Tune in. Name the story (“Good girls say yes”). Choose a micro‑action: reply Monday morning. Promise log: I respected my weekend.
• Family needs pile up. You’re exhausted and irritable. Tune in. Name the story (“I’m only lovable when I’m useful”). Micro‑action: take a 30‑minute break and take a walk, drink a cup of tea, or meditate. Promise log: I honored my limit.
• Fitness guilt. You skipped a workout. Tune in. Story (“I’m failing again”). Micro‑action: 5 gentle stretches and water. Promise log: I moved selfgently today.

Bottom line

Learning how to stop being critical of yourself is not about becoming perfect at self‑compassion. It’s about noticing your old story faster, asking what you need, and taking one small action in your favor. That is selfgentleness in action.

You can’t do this wrong. And you’re not too late. You’re here, and you’re right on time.

Practical takeaway

Daily 2‑minute selfgentleness:

1. Feet on the floor, hand on heart. How am I doing right now?
2. Write down the bugging thoughts. Add below: This story is trying to protect me.
3. Ask: What do I actually need right now?
4. Take one tiny action in your favor.
5. Log the promise you kept.

If you’d like a simple place to start, try my Selfgentleness Starter Guide + Meditation. It includes the foundational “tuning in” practice that helps you notice your body’s signals before stress takes over. You can download it here. Or take a look at the other free selfgentleness resources I created with you in mind.

Be selfgentle,

All love, Femke