How to say no without feeling guilty
The moment your stomach drops
There’s a very specific moment when someone asks something of you, a favor, a plan, an emotional request, and your whole body responds before your mind catches up.
For me, it immediately feels like a pit in my stomach. This gut-wrenching feeling in my belly.
It’s as if a wave of tension spreads through my body before I even know what I feel, want, think….
And yet, for most of my life, I would override that moment.
I would smile, nod, lean in, offer myself, even when something inside whispered: I can’t do this. I don’t have the capacity. This crosses something in me.
That inner whisper was quiet, but the conditioning was loud.
I learned early that being there for others mattered more than staying with myself.
It took me years (and a lot of selfgentleness) to understand that this exact moment is where the conversation with myself begins. Needs to begin.
And that I’m allowed to pause. That it’s okay to not know immediately what say or do. By now, I know that I’m allowed to say: “I’ll come back to this later.”
Do you recognize this moment, but not know what to do next? The this blog is for you.
WHAT – What it really means to stay with yourself
Staying with yourself is the inner act of not abandoning your needs, boundaries, or emotional reality, even when someone else is waiting for an answer.
And please know, this doesn’t mean that you’re withdrawing. Or that you’re being cold or rigid. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re now becoming less caring.
What it does mean is: holding on to yourself, so you don’t dissolve into the expectations or emotions of the other person. It means letting your body speak before your reflex to please speaks for you. And it means knowing:
You’re allowed to be human in a conversation.
You’re allowed to slow down.
You’re allowed to not know yet.
WHY – Why we lose ourselves so quickly
Most of us don’t lose ourselves because we’re weak or indecisive.
We lose ourselves because we were trained to:
- keep the peace
- be “the strong one”
- respond immediately
- understand everyone else first
- avoid disappointing anyone
- take emotional responsibility for the whole room
When you feel a sudden emotional response, it means that your nervous system reacts. Your breathing changes. Thinking clearly becomes harder. That’s because your amygdala, the part of your brain that helps you see clearly jumps in. That’s why in the moment, people-pleasing can feel like the easiest option. Which makes it a survival strategy, and not a flaw.
But there is another way. One that doesn’t ask you to fight or flee, but to stay.
HOW – Staying with yourself, one small moment at a time
Below is a selfgentle path to saying no without feeling guilty.
It combines your lived experience with some grounded self-compassion practices.
1. Notice the body signal
Your stomach, your breath, your jaw…
These sensations are not inconveniences: they are information.
A simple internal sentence helps:
“Something in me is reacting. Let me listen.”
2. Pause the moment (you’re allowed to)
Most guilt comes from the belief you must answer now. A selfgentle pause might sound like:
- “I hear you. I need a moment.”
- “Can I come back to this later today?”
- “I notice I’m having a strong response, so I want to take some time before I answer.”
If you’re not used to taking that pause, it might feel really awkward. Or scary even. Just know that all those feelings are okay too. You’re just starting to do things differently. No need to be perfect.
3. Take space if needed
So, take the space and time you need. If you notice a lot of stress, use a stress breaker: a micro-reset that brings your body back online. Like a breathing moment (read more in this blog about releasing stress). Or simply step away, even if it is to go to the rest room for a few minutes. Just take enough time to break that tension so you can start hearing yourself again.
4. Tune in
This is the core Selfgentleness practice (and read more about Tuning in here):
- Feel your feet. Close your eyes.
- Bring your attention inward.
- Ask: “What do I need right now?”
- Ask: “How can I give myself a bit of that?”
Take your time for this. To truly listen to what you need, and to acknowledge that need. To honor it as far as you can right now, or perhaps later on. Without connecting with what lives within you, it’s way harder to break an old conditioned pattern of forgetting about yourself.
5. Name your value (quietly to yourself)
Values are your internal compass, the conscious beliefs that guide how you want to live and interact. Bringing to your awareness what value is important to you right now will help you set a clear but kind boundary. Or as Boundaries coach and researcher Randi Buckley calls it: “Boundaries are values in action”.
A value might be right now: clarity, honesty, respect, calm, inclusiveness. When you return to a value that has meaning to you, you suddenly include yourself in the conversation and consideration. Let me give an example. If ‘friendliness’ is an important value to you, and you feel that it might drive you to cross your limitations for another, then ask yourself: will this be friendly to myself too? If the value is ‘respect’, how much would you respect your own capacity if you would override it out of respect for another person? When using this way of thinking, you’ll start to realize that you’re not saying no to the person, but yes to your value.
So, take a moment to explore that value. How can you include yourself in holding that value up?
6. Use a selfgentle bridge sentence
Once you have tuned in and are aware of what you want or need, you might be ready to get back into the conversation. You now want to find a way to communicate what you realized and what your decision or response would be. What I find very helpful in this is using these phrases to communicate in such a way that I can express what I feel and need, while still letting the other know that I see and hear them. These phrases are:
“I notice that…, and I understand that you…, and what I need is…”
So, this could look like:
“I notice I’m feeling overwhelmed,
I understand this [whatever they asked] is important to you,
and I need a little more time before I can respond clearly.”
And note that there is no ‘but’ in the sentence. It is not an either or situation. By using these phrases with a ‘but’, you acknowledge both your needs and wishes, your shared humanity, without crossing your limitations.
7. Come back when you’re ready
Don’t let it linger, in the hope it will go away. Come back to the talk when you’re ready to give your answer. And when you’ve realized you want and can say ‘yes’ wholeheartedly: go for it. But when the answer is still ‘no’, then know that you can say that. With kindness, with gentleness, especially for yourself.
“I’ve thought about it, and I won’t be able to do this.”
“After checking in with myself, my answer is no.”
“I wish I could help, but I can’t.”
No apology needed. No explanations needed. Just clarity.
And I know what you think right now: How can I not explain? Wouldn’t that be rude?
First of all, it of course depends on the context and the other person. But in general, when you start to explain, you also open up room for the other to try to convince you otherwise. Or you ‘bargain’ a compromise out of it. And when your ‘no’ is a true ‘no’, you don’t want to open yourself up for such a negotiation.
Secondly, remember (I said it before): when they pushback, it just means that your process has been fruitful. They realize that you want things to be different from now on. So that is good news. Even when it feels awkward. You are allowed to take care of yourself first. And you are allowed to say no.
What I want you to remember
- You’re allowed to slow down.
- You’re allowed to not know.
- You’re allowed to take your time.
- You’re allowed to be uncomfortable.
- You’re allowed to come back later.
- You’re allowed to choose yourself without making anyone else wrong.
Staying with yourself is not a talent, it’s a practice.
A gentle, steady, human practice that gets easier over time.
If you want to practise this more deeply
I created a free guide that can support you through exactly this inner work. It’s called Staying Selfgentle in Relationships, and it helps you stop abandoning yourself and come back to your own clarity, especially when conversations feel emotional or overwhelming.
Inside the guide, you’ll find:
- journal prompts to understand your patterns
- simple practices for staying grounded
- phrases that help you return to yourself
- small selfgentle shifts you can use right away
And when you’re ready, you can take this work deeper with me inside the Selfgentleness Academy, but start with the guide. It already contains everything you need to begin changing the way you show up in your relationships.
All love,
Femke
