Especially when you’ve already done the work

If you’ve done years of inner work, you might sometimes catch yourself thinking:

Why is this still hard?

Because you meditate. You’re aware. Have read all the books, gone to therapy, reflected deeply on yourself. And yet, when something touches an old place, your body tightens. Your inner critic suddenly loud. You feel tired, overwhelmed, or disappointed with yourself for being “back here again.” Because it feels as if you haven’t grown.

I know this place well. Not because I haven’t done the work, but because I have.

What’s actually happening

Most inner work helps us see what’s going on inside. You learn to recognize patterns. And become aware of your thoughts, your conditioning, your triggers. That awareness matters. It’s essential. But awareness alone can’t always soften you.

In fact, for many people, it quietly adds another layer of pressure. Now you don’t just feel tired or insecure. You also notice that you feel tired or insecure. And somewhere inside, a voice whispers (or screams): You should know better by now. This is where things often get harder instead of easier.

Why it stays hard, even after awareness

We live in a world that rewards pushing. Through discomfort. Past limits. Pushing yourself to improve, even in the name of healing. This mindset doesn’t magically disappear when you turn inward. You often bring it with you into your inner work. Into your expectations about your ‘growth’, your ability to ‘fix’ yourself.

So you try to meditate better. Be more regulated. Respond more wisely. Heal more thoroughly. And when that doesn’t work, you might conclude something must still be wrong with you. This is exactly why we, humans, need selfgentleness. Not as another concept to master. But as a different way of relating to ourselves altogether.

What selfgentleness actually is

Selfgentleness is not self-love in the glossy sense. It’s not positivity. Or simply letting everything slide.

For me, selfgentleness means this:

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person who consistently deserves your own gentleness.

In practice, that looks very simple and very radical at the same time. It means noticing when I’m tense, defensive, or harsh with myself and not adding another layer of judgment on top of that. It also means allowing the moment to be what it is before trying to change it. It’s about having my own back when old patterns surface, instead of using insight as a weapon against myself.

I learned this not because I was weak, but because I was strong for a very long time. I grew up carrying responsibility early. Being the strong one became part of my identity. Later, awareness helped me understand that. Selfgentleness helped me stop fighting it.

Why selfgentleness changes everything

Without selfgentleness, inner work can quietly turn into self-correction. With selfgentleness, something shifts.

You stop asking: How do I fix this?
And start asking: What do I need right now?

You don’t disappear into old patterns. You notice when you’re there, and you know how to return.

That return is the work. Not perfectly. Not permanently. But again and again, with less force and more trust. Over time, something surprising happens. You become less reactive. More spacious. Not because you’re trying to be, but because you feel safer inside yourself.

And yes, that also changes how you relate to others. But that’s not something you need to work on. It’s a natural consequence of no longer pushing yourself from the inside.

A simple practice to come back to yourself

If everything I’ve written feels true but abstract, start here:

Just once today, pause for a moment and ask yourself quietly:

How am I, really?

Don’t answer from your head.
Let the answer come from your body.

Then ask:

What would help me feel a little more supported right now?

Not fixed.
Not better.
Just a little more supported.

Maybe the answer is rest.
Or honesty.
Or softness.
Or stopping for a moment.

If you can give it to yourself, do.
If you can’t, acknowledge the need anyway and promise yourself you’ll return to it.

That alone is selfgentleness.

I want you to know you are exactly right as you are today

If you’ve done a lot of inner work and it’s still hard, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human in a world that taught you to push, even inward. Selfgentleness isn’t a new phase to reach.
It’s the layer that allows everything you already know to finally land. You don’t have to push yourself anymore. You can come back instead.