From my letters · 9 December 2025

I have a confession, dear friend! My right shoulder is frozen. Already quite some time, since June, but last weeks my shoulder is getting more stuck and more painful. And even though I am selfgentle most of the time, I still find it hard to listen to my body when it gives me a clear message: slow down. Stop carrying the world on your shoulders. BE SELFGENTLE! So, I finally listened. I called in partly sick, made arrangements so I can wrap up the (3) courses I teach this semester at university with grading assistance.

And immediately, I felt a relief. I’ve had a lot on my plate last months, and apparently I had been pushing through too much. I tend to think that I have to go on and on and on, and apply meditation, selfgentleness so that I can continue pushing on. Until I come to that full stop and realize that applying self-care in order to keep on pushing through is not selfgentle at all. 

Slowing down helps. It helps me realize (again) that it is ok to not be strong. That I can ask for help (yes even at work where I assumed I had to push through, they were very kind and helpful immediately). That it’s ok to take care of myself.

It’s weird, I see myself as a master of selfgentleness. It’s what I teach, it’s what I live. But not always. There are those moments where old conditioning kicks in. That it takes me a bit (or a lot) longer to realize that I’m actually not so selfgentle. And you know what, that’s ok. That’s the lifelong process. Becoming selfgentle is not about growth, about learning, about self improvement. It’s about being okay with who you are. where you are, and never condemning yourself for ‘doing it wrong’. And to notice when you’re not selfgentle and then find the way back. 

Do you recognize this? That after all those years of working on yourself, understanding how to treat yourself, you sometimes suddenly feel like you forgot it all? I would love to hear from you (just hit reply!)

And I guess this is why I wanted you to know my shoulder story. That you’re not alone. To show you that I’m far from perfect, and that those pitfalls will remain on our paths. But that it’s okay. To trip and fall and then again have your own back. Because over all, when I look at my life, it has never been better since I started applying selfgentleness. Since I consciously decided to take responsibility for how I’m feeling in the moment. Even when I don’t succeed in it, overall I do. 

So, wherever you are on this journey of adopting a more selfgentle perspective on yourself and your life, just know that you’re doing it so very well. You’re here, aware, and that is all that matters.

Tips to watch

I can’t deny that I’m a binger 🙂 Together with my husband I watch quite some series and movies, at home or in the cinema. With him being a screenwriter (and novelist) I always joke that we are actually working. But the truth is that I so love to watch together, to discuss plots and characters, to analyze what’s good and why. And to just be touched by sometimes really beautiful stories.

My recommendations? Too many. From a selfgentleness perspective, I prefer to read and watch stories from which the ‘ground tone’ is positive. It doesn’t mean everything needs to be perfect or happy endings need to occur. It does mean that there is connection between people, the room for being who you are, where love wins from fear, or at least tries to. Last week we rewatched The Meyerowitz Stories, a movie from Noah Baumbach (who recently brough out the movie Jay Kelly). It’s a touching story, and even though it might make some feel melancholic, it’s a treat.

If you’re more into documentaries, we also watched the movie Ben Stiller made about his parents Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara: Nothing is lost

A beautiful and loving tribute, fully recommended!

Full openness

Since I am unable to write on my computer, I dictated this newsletter to my computer. How cool is that?! I’m amazed by what technology can do. 

It was a nice chat! Let’s do this again next week!

All love, Femke 

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