From my letters · 30 December 2025  

Hey dear friend,

Not so long ago, I bumped into a reel on Instagram mentioning that women often feel like imposters. Also known as the imposter syndrome. It immediately got my attention, because yes (drum rolls) also I have felt like an imposter sometimes (I’ll explain later). And I’m a woman, so… there you go.

Reshma Saujani discusses how the word ‘imposter syndrome’ popped up historically at a time women just gained more rights in the 1970s and explains really well that imposter syndrome doesn’t exist. You might feel insecure, you might encounter someone making you insecure, but it’s not a syndrome, Reshma makes an even bolder statement: it’s a lie. She explains pretty well how disempowering words (like imposter syndrome or bike face) can keep (especially but not exclusively) women from daring to just do things, to be out there, to excel. Because when they feel awkward in a situation, they might lean towards feeling as an imposter, and stop their efforts.  

It made me think. As someone who used to want to do ‘everything right’ (my past as a perfectionist) whenever I feel insecure, that awkward feeling of ‘am I good enough?’ might slip in. That’s a feeling close to feeling like an imposter. Last semester, for instance. I was teaching four courses at university, and one of them is a MSc course called The Psychology of Politics. Great group of students, all really eager to think and learn. So one day, we were about to discuss one of the readings for that day. And one eager and smart student immediately dove in deep by mentioning how the authors overrepresented one statistical result (of many) and only acknowledged that with one line. 

Clearly, the student was doing great, but at the same time it was really a minor issue which I could rebut easily. BUT: for a moment that insecurity kicked in, because I didn’t immediately remember the issue he mentioned. Instead of just discussing it with him, I went blank for a moment. Felt doubt for a moment.

And then… my selfgentle perspective kicked in, I didn’t even have to consciously apply it. Automatically, I took a deep breath, and slowed down for a moment. My inner mind comforted: it’s ok, Femke, you don’t have to know it all, every time, even not when you’re the teacher….

I praised the student for reading to precisely and told them I didn’t remember this point exactly, and I would reread it and come back to it in another class. Which I did. 

Had I still been perfectionist, wanting to do everything right, not allowing myself to make mistakes… I could not have made this decision. So, it’s not so much that I am immediately selfgentle, because yes, sometimes a very tiny incidence can dig right into those very old childhood feelings like: I’m ‘not good enough’. Feelings that I have healed for the bigger part, but just like any other old thought or feeling, they can be triggered again. 

It’s about noticing when I’m not and then find the way back. This time, it just happened without my conscious decision. Frankly, it was reinsuring to notice how quickly a selfgentle perspective was overriding those old feelings. And step by step, it becomes easier. I am grateful for all those moments where I’m not even triggered again. And even if (when!) something happens that triggers me…. I now know what to do. To tune in and explore what my feelings are telling me deeply within. To honor those feelings, and to explore what I need in such a moment. 

Because it’s never about not being prepared enough, not knowing my stuff, not being good enough. It’s all about supporting myself with those inner tensions, with whatever comes up at that point. 

It was helpful for me to hear this excerpt of her talk on Instagram, because it made me realize that the word ‘imposter’ is not one I will apply to myself anymore. Ever. What about you? 

Next time you feel you’re an imposter, remember that it’s a lie. And that your feelings tell you something else: that you need to spend some time to support yourself, and tune in to what you truly need.

Tips to (not?) watch

Have you been watching the series Pluribus? It’s about a woman, who finds herself suddenly in a very benign world where almost everyone (besides about 12 folks) became just… happy. And she, being not so happy but very unwilling to give up her autonomy to become another just happy person, is trying to find her way out (or in). This one we didn’t binge-watch, because Apple TV+ releases only one per week, but actually…. one per week is enough to let the ideas sink in. 

We started watching because I find it an interesting theme, especially when the creator Vince Gilligan mentioned in an interview that we all know the movies where almost everyone changes in a zombie: we don’t want that. But what if everyone becomes happy, loving, caring? What will happen then? This question is fascinating.

However….after seeing episode 6 – I will not spoil – I actually started to feel a strong dislike to the whole idea behind the series less. After episode 7 I realized the series is more like a philosophical treatment, a thought experiment than about an invitation to feel and live along with the main character. It made me still curious enough to watch it till the end. But it is not one I’ll see again, I think. Anyways, I’m curious about your thoughts! 

2026 approaching

We’re just a few days away from the new year starting. I love new year’s eve, to look back for a moment and be grateful for the year. The people I met. The experiences I had. To then look forward with an eagerness for whatever will come my way. 

I wish you and your loved ones a happy, healthy, inspired and selfgentle 2026. May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be Safe, May 2026 be as easy and selfgentle as it can be.

Thanks for reading and let’s have another chat next week!

Be selfgentle, 

All love, Femke

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